Monday, August 27, 2012

Float On

This just in from the "Are you effing serious?" file:

Provo Dipping, Soaking, or Floating ...I won't even bother to give my own description of this sex act particularly popular among Mormon students at BYU who ludicrously still consider themselves virgins after participating in it. I'll just copy/paste the following entry (pardon pun) from the urban slang dictionary while I continue to try and wrench my lower jaw off my bedroom floor...'s

Provo Soak
59 up24 down
This is a step above the provo push in a sense where young people in happy valley (aka provo, utah) is trying to find ways around having actualintercourse because of their strict church guidelines. This is when a girl is so horny that she lets her man stick his boner in her vagina, but no movement or thrusting takes place. The boner just resides inside the vagina thus "soaking" inside it. This apparently isn't considered as intercourse....WTF!??
Girl: "I'm so hot for you right now, but we're not married so we can't havesex."

Boy: "Oh darn it all to heck! Oh about the provo soak!? That's not sex right!?"

Girl: "My goodness gracious! You're such a genius! Provo soak me now!"
3.Provo Dip13 up9 down
Sex act performed by students of Brigham Young University in which the young man dips his penis in the young woman's vagina without thrusting, thereby following the University's strict rules regarding sexuality. The couple lies motionless until they fall asleep or get hungry.
"Brian and Gentri love each other, but they don't want to be kicked out of BYU, so on Valentine's Day they'll just be Provo Dipping after a trip to the Cheesecake Factory."
4.Provo Float10 up4 down
When two people (usually mormons) have sex. This is done when a male inserts his penis into the female's vagina. No humping happens and he just sits there while inserted. He does not cum therefore he technically didn't have sex so they don't have to talk to the bishop.
Tom: Yo did you and carly do it last night?
Brad: No man we just did the provo float!
Tom: Nice! Now you don't have to talk to the bishop!

There is also something called "flipping" in "just flip her over" which is obviously anal intercourse, which is also perfectly fine according to the Mormon code, and thus does not require a talk with whoever's doing Mitt's job as bishop these days. 

There are several magical thinking issues going on here.  First, we have to understand that otherwise intelligent young women still consider themselves virgins after losing their hymen by fully consenting to penetration by an erect penis. As a medical professional, I can tell you, this is NOT in any way factual or real-world thinking. A bicycle or tree climbing accident may rupture the hymen, in which case a woman is still a virgin, but an erect penis inserted with full, completely sober consent? Nah.

Somewhat related is the fairy-tail factoid that only very committed couples reserve this sacred act for "the one and only true love of their life." Guys are test-floating as many females as they can, perfecting their "oh, was I moving??? Er...I must have fallen asleep..." or "My leg's falling asleep, I just had to move it a little bit to get my circulation back."  technique as they go. Whatever works to get over the edge, which can't take much once their hormonally overdosed, hair-triggered members are inside those magical floating vaginas! 

What is most worrisome is that the only thing that is strictly NOT allowed is a condom! That presupposes premeditation, which is a SIN! Heavens know (no typo...they have three heavens) no one is actually PLANNING such a thing when spending time near eventide (or whatever they call the time before it gets dark and they are no longer allowed to be alone together without the blessings of marriage and their magical underwear).

Mormon youth also operate under the misperception that if they don't ejaculate inside the vagina the "she" du jour cannot become impregnated. Au contraire mon frere.  Spermatozoa are present in "pre-cum" and those little guys don't need the motion of the ocean to get where they're going. That couple can plead the float all they want, those  sperm cells can still swim upstream!

They may call the practice floating, but if the Romney/Ryan party gets their way overly naive women like those at BYU will more likely resemble lovely little blimps in a few months. But then maybe that's the plan after all. More Mormons means more Mormon money and it is that they cherish above all things.  

No wonder he and Paul Ryan have such a natural bro-mance going. Shared values.

Paul Ryan's new definition of a human being, having
rights and protections far surpassing those of ALL women under ANY and ALL circumstances
...unless and until it's born female.